The views expressed in this blog are mine, all mine and don't necessarily reflect those of the Police Service!
I hope that you wont be offended by anything I say, because no offence was intended.

Saturday, 26 April 2008

Something to do with eggs and sucking....

So I've got to have PIP training, have I? What the f*ck is PIP?

Apparently, in 20 years, I've learnt nothing and I need to go on a course to learn how to investigate crime. Well, I've got news for you. I know how to investigate crime?

Ok, I might struggle with a murder, butI know how to investigate the dross and drivel that gets reported to the Police. I rarely get to investigate a 'decent' crime. They're all snatched off you by some squad or other, if there is a likelihood of an arrest on the end of it.
How hard is it to investigate Sharon's report of nasty text messages from Tracey? Or Jordan's scuffle with Tyler?

Apparently, I've got to write my victims statement, in a different way, with headed sections. I've seen a few of these, done by Student Officers and they're crap. They read like they were written by a 15 year old chav in a PE exam!

The reason for this?

It will make the CPS's job easier for them. They will be able to read straight from the statement at court.

Now, listen here Ken MacDonald. I have to spend a lot of time preparing my case files. The least you could do in return, is to instruct your prosecutor's to familiarise themselves with them, prior to any trial. God knows, you make my job harder by insisting that the most pedantic enquiries are completed, so why should I make your job any easier?

Friday, 25 April 2008

Who should we believe?

On a day when, recorded crime has apparently fallen, prison numbers have hit an all time high.
According to Home Office figures, our sanctioned detection rate, rose by 1.8%, but the overall crime rate fell by 7% in the year 2006/7.
So in reality, we've detected 5.2% less crimes this year!
I don't know where the truth lies, but these figures don't really add up. The justice Ministry is trying to persuade the courts to send fewer people to prison, yet the prison population goes up, despite the Police detecting fewer crimes. Me thinks, someone is telling porkies.
Mind you, the Government's latest idea to reduce prison overcrowding, has been exposed as a flop. The buggers don't even try to escape!

Saturday, 19 April 2008

Eye in the Sky

Apparently, the sky's near you, could soon be filled with small drones, zooming their cameras into your street.

I wonder if they'll be any more reliable than the current, expensive, leaf blowers. People take the mickey out of theTrain Companies, for lame excuses, but you should hear some of the Air Support Units, reasons for not attending.

"It's too cloudy"
"It's too dark"
"It's too windy"
"It's too far"
"The Pilot's out of hours"
"The helicopter's offline"
"There's too many people out there"

I can't see it working, myself. The chavs, will soon shoot it down!

Friday, 18 April 2008

Local Knowledge.

“Whiskey Golf three seven, can you attend an RTC on the A 999, between Upper Dingle and Broad Trump. A head-on and road blocked.”
“Err, sorry. What was the location again?”
“A 999 between Upper Dingle and Broad Trump.”
“I thought that was what you said. The A 999 doesn’t go through either Upper Dingle or Broad Trump. That road is the B1234.”
“Well, that’s what the caller said.”
“ The location doesn’t exist. Can you phone them back?
“Sorry, the number taken is now switched off.”

Somehow, after driving around in ever decreasing circles, we manage to find the Collision Scene. I apologised to one of the drivers about the delay. He smiled and said, “I did wonder what the operator was on about. I told her I was on the A666, between Upper Digby and Banfield Torp. She said she couldn’t validate the address on her computer.”
“Ah”, I replied. “You were speaking to someone who is 60 miles away and has never been anywhere near here.”
“I might as well have called India.”
“Apparently, it’s called progress! You get a much better service from a large centralised control room, rather than a small local control room. Something to do with best practice.”

We’ve had our ‘super control’ for a few years now. It works ok if the desperate caller knows their postcode. If they don’t, forget it. With absolutely no local knowledge, if the computer says no, then the call taker goes for ‘best match’. I’ve lost count of the number of wild goose chases I’ve been on recently. Let’s use common sense and bring back local people serving local people!

Wednesday, 16 April 2008


I am getting fed up with what I call "Gotta be seen to be doing something" policing. You know. Where it doesn't matter what the result is, as long as the Section Commander can say at the next Community safety Partnership meeting, that we have carried out x amount of patrols or executed so and so warrants.

How many times recently, have I had a rest day cancelled (with plenty of time, so they don't have to pay me any extra) for an action day of some sort. Doing a warrant, on the basis of some intelligence, that's weeks out of date. We know we wont find anything, but the boss has invited the press along, to show them what a wonderful job we are doing.

I know we have to provide some community reassurance, but lets not try to pull the wool over their eyes. Lets leave that to the politicians.

Tuesday, 15 April 2008

Speedy Resolution

Have you noticed how many more incidents, turn into armed sieges, nowadays?

I remember an incident, not long after I joined the job. We were on night shift and colleagues got sent to a domestic. When they arrived, a woman was stood in the road, tears streaming down her face. She had been out for the evening, with her husband. He had got very drunk and upon their arrival home, wanted to fight the world. As my colleagues appraoched the garden gate, he came to the front door and proceeded to throw all the kitchen knives at them. Luckily, they all missed hitting anyone. They called for backup and we were on scene pretty quickly, but by the time we arrived, the chap was almost out of knives to throw and resorted to spoons and forks. We all stood and watched as he ran out of ammo. He then went back indoors and slammed the door shut. By this time there were six of us, but no supervisors, as we hadn't asked for any. We decided that bloke needed to be nicked and it was too cold to stand around, so we rushed the door. We were soon in the house, but he barricaded himself in the sitting room. With a second surge, we soon smashed that door in and jumped on top of the chopper. Time from first call to cuffed and stuffed, 12 minutes. No 'Trained Negotiators' in their Gucci Kit needed or Superintendents called out bed. Just 6 coppers doing their job.
Now I realise, that it could have gone horribly wrong, but we all agreed that it was the best course of action.
I do wonder, if we don't dilly dally about too much nowadays. Sometimes, a quick aggressive response will achieve the right result, sometimes it might be inappropriate. But lets not dismiss the option altogether. Otherwise this might happen.
I've even been at an incident where the offender wanted to give himself up, but the chief inspector wouldn't let him, because the firearms unit weren't ready!

Monday, 14 April 2008

Mission Statements

Can you remember back before the turn of the century, when Police Cars, didn't have logos? Back then, everyone knew that 999 was the emergency number for the Police and if you wanted the non-emergency number, you looked it up in the phonebook. Strangely enough, everyone seemed to know, what the Police were there for. You know, fighting crime and stuff.

Apparently, 21st Century people are thick, because they need to see lots of mission statements and catchy slogans, to realise what the Police are here for.

"Working together to keep you safe" or "Fighting hard to keep crime down".

Can anyone tell me why we need a silly slogan? Its not as if the public can choose which force to investigate their problems, is it? Mrs Ponsonby isn't going to phone Ruralshire, just because they're "committed to citizen focus". Even if she did, they'd only fire her back to her local force.

Does having a motto help me do my job any better/differently? I don't think so. So lets stop pi55ing about with poxy mission statements. We're the Police. Our job is to prevent and detect crime and keep the peace. End of!

If you think I'm being harsh, read this.

Sunday, 13 April 2008


I was chatting to a man from Bali, the other day, whilst investigating a burglary. I couldn't help thinking that I knew nothing about Bali, or its culture. This, is very remiss of me and prevents me from doing my job correctly. The only way I can improve my knowledge, would be to visit Bali for a couple of weeks. I can't afford to go, but obviously, it is in the interest of the Police Service to send me out there, so I can get to know local customs. However, I don't want to go on my own, so I'll see if I can take 8 of my mates with me.

Oh bugger, I've just realised the flaw in my plan. There is no way, response can afford to loose 9 officers for two weeks. Oh well, it was a nice idea!

Wednesday, 9 April 2008


Is it just me, or do people get more drunk on 'nights out', than they used to? I appreciate, I'm no spring chicken anymore, but in my youth, I liked a drink as much as the next person. I liked the social side of 'going out' and enjoyed my beer. As a consequence, every now and then, I would get quite drunk. Nowadays, people seem to go out, with the soul intention of getting drunk, as quickly as possible. As a consequence, they often come to our attention.
The trouble is, what do you do with a vomit/urine soaked teenager, dead to the world. As sure as eggs is eggs, a custody sergeant wont want them in his/her cells. A&E, don't want them clogging up their beds and you try finding a sensible family member to look after them, late at night.
I remember this article in 2004. Did it ever get off the ground? I've heard no more about it. I know the Scandanavians have used Drunk Tanks, for a number of years. They are staffed by a mixture of medical staff and civilian detention officers. All intoxicated people, including those arrested for criminal offences, are initially taken to the drunk tank. If they were just taken there for their own safety, they are released when sober. If they are there for a criminal matter, they are transferred to Police Custody, when sober. A brilliant idea, no doubt thought up by a lowly street cop!
So come on you politicians, why not implement these in every large town and city. It would free up NHS staff and Police, to do their proper jobs and not baby sitting duties. And you never know, it might even put one or two people off getting sh*tfaced, next time!

Monday, 7 April 2008

Family Life

Mr Justice Coleridge thinks the breakdown of family life, is the root of all todays problems. I can't imagine for one minute, where he gets that idea from!
What a tangled web of deceipt, this is turning out to be. Insp Gadget amongst others, has already mentioned most of our suspicions, about this case. Call it a coppers nose, or just synical minds, but right from the outset, most Police Officers, recognised that something was not quite right, in this case. I have not commented before, for fear of being accused of slander. I think it is safe to make a comment now.
In my opinion, this is a classic example of what Justice Coleridge is on about. Here, we have a woman, with children by several different men, who is now shacked up with a boy 10 years younger than her. Neither of them work, relying instead on state benefits. They live in an estate, where a large proportion, have similar 'family' values.
My guess, is that the poor girl has been used by the family for a bit of self-gratification. Right from the begining, her mother sought the public limelight. She needed to be centre of attention. She has seen how other kidnap victims, have been given a new 'life', after their release. I suspect, the whole family were looking to 'sell' their story to the media, for vast sums of money. God knows, what plans they had for Shannon.
Its about time this governement, stopped rewarding people for having no morals. Whilst, every one of us can point to failed relationships, in our pasts, only the underclass, can look to profit from them. Its a common issue of young girls getting deliberately pregnant, in order to get a council flat/house. Whilst I do not want to prevent genuine people from obtaining assistance, I do feel that the state needs to clamp down, on those with the morals of sewer rats! Otherwise, their offspring stand no chance of leading a decent life.

Sunday, 6 April 2008

Naughty, naughty

Call the National Guard, someone's parked in a disabled parking space.
Don't get me wrong. I think that the Police should set an example to others and not break laws willy nilly.
However, have you visited a supermarket recently? I think we must have a nation of cripples, considering the number of disabled parking bays we have nowadays. Whilst I do think that any wheelchair bound person, should be able to have a wide space close to the front doors, I do wonder how many of the blue badge holders fall into that category? I suspect a lot of them are claiming the disability allowance, for some rare skeletal disease. They're bone idle!
The numbers of people claiming disability allowance have risen dramatically over the last few years. You can't tell me, that all these people are genuinely disabled. I suspect a large number are lazy, workshy layabouts, who only need to park closer to the front door of the shops, because it's quicker to the scratchcard counter!
So whilst the Police Van probably shouldn't have parked in the disabled space, is there really a need for so many of them?

Friday, 4 April 2008

Yet another silly idea...

I see Jacqui Smith and her cronies have come up with another harebrained idea. "Let's ban paedophiles from internet chatrooms." That's a bit like saying, lets ban car thieves from driving, or shoplifters from entering shops. A total waste of time, coz the offenders take no notice.
How exactly do they plan to enforce these bans? It's not exactly difficult to obtain an e-mail account nowadays.
This is another bit of Nu Labour spin. Yes it will be an offence for registered sex offenders to enter chatrooms, but, one that there is no way of preventing. When the lowlife are finally caught, for a far worse offence, this may be an additional charge to add to the file.
In the meantime, it's got bugger all to do with protecting children!